"Don’t get up."

A smart friend once complained, "Hey, wait a minute. That’s the tenth time you’ve made that same, stupid comment. I can’t believe people always laugh at that."

A day later, he said: "You have only two jokes. You just say them over and over. And they’re not even proper jokes. They’re just found humor."

It’s a fair cop. But I have five of them. And I am giving them to you.

Here are my jokes.

If you have spent much time with me, you have heard these jokes. They are cheap, but you laughed.

1. If a strange noise is heard from outside, such as a car backfiring or a helicopter, I will say, "My ride is here."

2. If any food is placed in front of us which looks gooey, gelatinous, or glutinous, I will say, "That makes a soothing facial pack."

3.a. If anything is ever described as "smoked," such as salmon, I will say, "It sure is hard to keep it lit."

3.b. If any cylindrical food, such as a burrito, is placed in front of us, I will say, "It sure is hard to keep it lit."

4.a. If I enter the room and you are sitting (and especially if you do not care one whit that I have arrived), I will say, "Please don’t get up."

4.b. If you enter the room where I am sitting with someone else, I will cry out like a courtroom bailiff, "All rise!"

5. At the end of any conversation in which I was supposed to say something intelligent, I will say, "That concludes my formal presentation."

That concludes my formal presentation. Please don’t get up. My ride is here.