I have a friend who won't eat turkey bacon. He says it's not Kosher.

"What that?" I said. "But it's turkey." The Kosher problem with bacon is that it's pork. Pork's not Kosher. It's trayf. ("Trayf" means unfit, not Kosher.)

"But this is turkey," I chant. "And it's really good."

"Nope," said my friend. "It's still bacon."

This particular friend isn't a fool. He's a senior executive at a Fortune 500 company. He's just about the smartest guy I know. The only thing keeping him from the top is his prohibition against turkey bacon.

He knows the difference between a pig and turkey. And he knows his Kosher law.

Still, no bacon, no matter what it's made of.


Not So Fast
This isn't a story about how Kosher law is an odd anachronism.

This is a story about how you keep Kosher.

Yes, you, my fine friends of many religious feathers. And even you, my fine friends who have no feathers at all.

It might not be Jewish Kosher law that you follow, but you follow equally arbitrary dietary laws.

Here's proof.

Do you eat dog?
Unless you are among the geographically farthest flung readers of Net Cotton Content, you're thinking:

"Of course, I don't eat dog."

Why not?

"Because dog isn't food."

And why isn't it?

"Because dog isn't food."

Why are you getting louder? Some arguer you are. Stuck already? Sure you are.

Here's why you don't eat dog: because it ain't right.

Same with horse.
You eat cow. You eat lamb. You eat chicken. You might eat pig. You might eat goat. You might eat buffalo, deer, duck, and goose.

But, noooo. You won't eat dog? And, please, hold the horse.

As a recovering vegetarian, I think your dietary laws seems pretty arbitrary.

Back To Bacon
What if we made bacon out of dog? Would you eat that?

My favorite dog treat — not for my mouth (trayf!) — has the tagline: "Your dog won't even know it's not bacon."

Heck, my smartest friend doesn't even know my bacon's not pig.

Who cares?
You had better care and here's why:

We are clearly headed for the day when everything is served to us in bacon form.

After all, if anything unites America, it's bacon.

We bring it home. And put it on everything.

Not me. I don't put pork bacon on anything. Especially not my tongue.

For me, it's in the dog category.

Yes, yes, I hear you: "Artie, that's such an arbitrary decision."

Sorry. I know how you dislike when my arbitrariness differs from your arbitrariness.

Bacon might as well be made out of dog. It seems to be man's (newest) best friend.

Today: Pork bacon.
And turkey bacon. And soy bacon (for vegetarians).

(Hey, wait: just what exactly is Canadian bacon made from? Aughh!)

Tomorrow: Cow bacon. Wheat bacon. Ice cream bacon.

Can dog bacon be far behind?

My dog doesn't even know it's not bacon.

And vice versa.